Monday, January 12, 2009

because i owe it.

this old debt that comes up every year; creeps purple-grey underneath my eyes. it rips the sarcasm right out of my mouth. rages something acidic inside my insides.

and i've said it once, i'll say it a million times: it is not okay for a girl to wish she was a snake. or a coma victim. or an anne sexton.

it is not okay. but when it leaves, this bookie on my back, i say: i don't want my emotions watered down.

i forget what it was like. or what it must have been like for my mom to witness.

no, it is not okay. because i owe it. if not to myself. than to her. to those of you who have seen or heard it. and have worried.

so i'm actually gonna try this time, okay? try to fix it. try to pay some of it back. because i don't really want to sit here anymore, riddled in the middle like some oddly asphyxiated junky addicted to her own issues.

and because i just plain owe it.

3 comments:

The Batistas said...

from the long lost world of italy (and sucky internet) I'm waiting for a visit!!! LOVE/MISS YA!

Mr Econ said...

Tax season is hard on me, too. Just Kidding :).

helen said...

Strange place to write this, but I finished 3 cups in 2 settings. One of which was a long night. Great book is an understatement. Really all it takes to change the world is to start at your feet and not to forget the painful truths in others lives because of the pain in yours. Thank you I needed that, a reminder to keep you head up. I love you girl...
Auntie Hel