Friday, November 21, 2008

i am

walking away when i hear him say: she is an interesting girl, that one.

and i know it is a compliment.

still, i am not coming back. not to this smokey porch where conversations of socialism bite reduntantly at my cold toes. is it not summer anymore? am i not a teenager? no. and these are not my nights. my conversations. my men.

i am in search of the seriously jovial. who laugh with me in secret and rejoice in frowns. i had lost faith in them and had begun to smile. it made me oddly miserable.

because i know they are out there. and they understand how i feel in cities sometimes. cities that scratch my back and pull at my hair in a strangely pleasant manner.

(as one should feel about anything of significance.)

now i am riding a train in one such city and talking with a girl who has confused the anger inside of her for athiesm. it is at moments like this that i think of him. how this is not his train. his conversation. how, though interesting, i am not his girl.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

wee house.

i have developed a small obsession with pre-fab homes via my brother bear. especially ones built using recycled materials. my biggest love? wee house. pre-fabs built with little square footage and a lot of attention to utility.

i want this life. fuzzy sweaters in the cold northwest. book shelves and kitchen shelves and not much else. keep it simple.

what do you think? keep in mind, when they say wee they mean it, these homes are tiny. check out more here.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

a gift from the devil?

have picked up a creative writing course. am feeling a little like bear on tricycle.

i have never felt as though i belong to this literary world that i love. but i will give it the old college try.

you see, i was recently told that my knack for "eloquent words" was a gift from satan given to me in order to help him confuse all you good christian folk. this was said in response to a few anti-prop 8 posts i made on other blogs.

so i figured, hey, a gift from satan? well that must be pretty damn rare. i should probably develop said talent so that i can further confuse all you christians. if i can convince you that h8te is wrong, well then maybe i can get you into the REALLY hard core shit. like recycling.

but let's not get ahead of ourselves, this is only my first class.

first assignment: a personal statement. a summary of who i am as a writer. i don't think i like this assignment. it feels fuzzy and a bit generic. like a cheap hotel bed spread.

note to self, must remember to give devil shoutout in personal statement.

p.s. i have another weird talent that i thought might be a gift from satan: i can almost always predict the exact moment that toast will pop out of the toaster. however, after much analyzation, i have decided that my toast intuition is actually a gift from the easter bunny.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Saw this

last night with Miss Brooke. It was lovely. Made us cry the good kind of tears.

Perhaps coincidence/ perhaps not that the following trailer played during the previews. The link being that both films deal with injustice and civil rights. The former with past struggles and the later with current. Both compelling and relevant films.

Plus, Sean Penn and Emile Hirsch clearly make a good team (Into the Wild.)

Sunday, November 9, 2008

love lab rat.

i wanted to be this thing. this girl who tumbled into your life. smelling a bit like weed. hair a mess. furrowed brow.

you would call and in replacement of hello my little voice would say: let's go sit somewhere. maybe get a little drunk?

and you would think of it every time you called some other Her and got only a generic greeting.

i had imagined that i was the only girl who could pull off the charming-while-cranky act. who could make you enjoy your anger. revel in your sick, sweet jealousy. (though i am sure i am One of Many.)

so I pushed you too far?

CRACK, you say, cheeks flushed red.
and hot tears stream down mine in response.

how could you make her cry?
they beg. that sweet little thing, how could you?

and only now i smile at the injustice and feel a dull shame for having poked you where it hurts.
for having made you my experiment in relationships. my love lab rat.

i knew all along that we were not right. even while you didn't, i knew.

so i suppose i should have stopped it before it seeped in this deep.
it's just that i wanted to be this thing.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


after it's all said and done.

I don't know if I still love you if you disagree with me on Prop 8.
I'm fighting mad.