I dont think I can.
It goes like this: sometimes you know exactly what you want. You're set. It's all figured out.
Like when you've always known that you need to be with someone who can hold a debate with you. Who won't fall victim to your imrightyourwrongandthatwillneverchangesothere
You meet someone with the strength to hold his own. You are whisked away by his ability to debate books with you. To debate music with you. To debate politics with you.
Then suddenly it all turns stale. He thinks your favorite books are ridiculous. Your music tastes cliche. Your political views naive. Then the debates become arguments.
And you're not sure that this is what you want anymore.
Or like when you think you know where you want to live.
Then you drive back to San Diego. You see the San Bernadino mountains. You sleep comfortably in your aunt's house and remember how it feels like home. You take the 163 downtown with your best friend and feel the energy of the city wrap itself around you and wiggle it's way into your body.
I can remember being this tiny little girl and watching my house in California dissapear behind our van as we left for Utah, and for the last 3 times that I've made the trip from the coast to the desert I have felt just like that little girl all over again.
The first night out with Kyl I met a boy who's favorite authors included Tolstoy and Dostoevsky.
I don't think I've ever met a man in Utah who knows who they are, nevermind appreciates their work.
Granted, I fought with said boy all night and had what was probably the most awkward/interesting male female encounter of my life...but still.
New Years was rang in with a bunch of latin gays and transvestites not to mention the meeting of our new best friends, Marcos and Jason. Love them, can't wait to see them in New York.
I love the people. I love the enviroment. I love it all.
And now I am confused about what I want. Imagine that.